SECRET INSIGHTS INTO THE NINTENDO SWITCH 2 FROM ME, SOMEONE YOU NEITHER KNOW NOR TRUST!

In “Advance”¹ of my² birthday³ on the 2nd⁴, Nintendo⁵ has⁶ sent⁷ me⁸ a brand new⁹ Nintendo¹⁰ Switch 2¹¹! It’s so bad!¹² It’s got¹³Red Steel 3¹⁴, Super Gorilla¹⁵Ball: Monkey¹⁶See, Monkey Doo-Doo¹⁷, and my new¹⁸ favourite¹⁹ game²⁰, a port²¹ of Shrek²² for the Game Boy Advance²³ that maintains²⁴ the original²⁵ resolution²⁶! Can’t²⁷ wait²⁸ for you all²⁹ to see³⁰ it!³¹

This is Shrek Superslam, which is NOT on the Switch 2, but we've yet to receive screenshots for Shrek itself.

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¹ Heheh, get it? Like the Game Boy Advance?

² As in “possessed by me”! In reference to the next word in the sentence, which is “birthday”, if you’re curious and keen on reading these footnotes before continuing the sentence. If you are, in fact, doing that, then congratulations, seriously. I find it so annoying to scroll up and down to get to the footnotes in works like this because it really breaks my reading flow and there’s also just no easy way to get back and forth between them. So, since you’re still doing that — assuming you are — I just want to thank you for choosing to engage with this article in such a unique way. It’s deeply appreciated, and I hope you enjoy your time getting through this.

³ Well, the anniversary of my birth, anyway. It’s not like I’m birthed anew or anything every year; that would be ridiculous. Though I suppose, in a way, aren’t we all “birthed anew” at some point in our lives when we come to reconsider everything we thought we knew? Unless you’ve never had that experience, of course, in which case my theory is completely unsound. Not necessarily invalid, because the validity of an argument or theory is not dependent on its premises being true, but rather whether those premises being true would necessarily lead to the conclusions you’re drawing being true, whereas soundness (assuming that’s a word) is all about whether an already valid idea, argument, or theory is true to reality, or in other words, if the premises are correct and true. Of course, as you well know, this theory being not necessarily invalid does not, in turn, mean that the theory itself is inherently valid! You might think you can pull a sweet double negative in your logical proof (the second coolest thing you can do in a logical proof, after one of those wicked indirect proofs inside a proof) to make it seem like I’m claiming that, but you can’t, because I used the word “necessarily” in between those “not”s and “in-”s. The inverse statement of “not necessarily invalid” should then be “potentially valid”, if I recall my logic classes correctly. I say this because I haven’t yet considered whether this theory would, in fact, be valid. After all, is having your self be changed by an experience truly a “rebirthing” experience? How much do you have to change to be “birthed anew”? Does any epiphany count? Does that actually feel like being born in a metaphysical sense? I don’t know! Personally, while I think it’s an interesting poetic metaphor to throw in there, I don’t particularly believe it’s an accurate one. If I wanted to link these sorts of life events to birthing for some reason — likely a desire to double down on the cool metaphor — it would be more like finding a birthmark you never knew you had! In any case, however, I don’t believe that happens to me every year or even on my birthday, or rather the anniversary of my birth, as you well know.

⁴ Which is my birthday! Also, isn’t it so cool that, like, the Nintendo Switch 2 is getting more information on the 2nd? Like, 2s and 2s galore in here! It’s too bad I’m not turning 22 because then there’d be even more 2s, but you don’t care about that! It’s the Switch 2 stuff we’re talking about here, of course, because this is a gaming website, and you expect to see gaming news and there are more details tomorrow and I’m claiming that I have information; you don’t actually care about me… you probably don’t even know my name and, like, who gives a darn about some random games journalist’s birthday? What purpose do I have in this world beyond putting out information that will be aggregated and consumed without much focus on my particular perspective? Do my words even deserve focus and recognition? Have I said anything unique? Is being unique being good at writing?

But no, no, I’m spiralling and that’s no fun to read unless it’s done in a particularly creative way or you just… like being sad? But yes, tomorrow is my birthday! And it’s also a day you care about for arbitrary reasons! Even if you don’t care that it’s my birthday, I can still be happy for me! Plus, heck, why not say it? People have said that they enjoy my writing! I still haven’t completely internalised that (or completely internalised the fact that people aren’t just lying to me to be nice for no reason), but practice makes perfect, doesn’t it? Multiple people have independently said my work is skillful, enjoyable, and entertaining. Some have even said that I possess a clear understanding and mastery of how writing works and that I’ve clearly put a lot of time and effort into the things I do while still maintaining an easy-to-read flow! I might be good at writing! I am good at writing! I… I am a good writer! It’s my birthday tomorrow and I don’t have to care about whether some stranger on the internet cares about that. Screw the 2s — I have started to feel like I might like myself these past 12 months, and nothing is going to bring me down.

⁵ Specifically, I am referring to Nintendo of America: the branch of Nintendo that operates in the United States of America! I know this must be confusing to you, as GameGrin is a UK-centric website, but this is the internet and not only can it be read in most corners of the globe, the articles here can also be written in them too! I, for instance, live at [REDACTED] in the middle of [REDACTED] and, while I’m quite stressed by my current situation, I can rest easy knowing I have a, ah, secret in with good ol’ Nintendo of America. It’s very hush hush though and I’m probably not supposed to say anything! I got a load of criticisms from my, ah, secret informant when I was younger and bragged about him way more frequently than I do today.

⁶ “Has” is technically a slightly misleading term. “Will have” or maybe even just “Will”, depending on when this goes out, would likely be more accurate. I’d’ve liked to include more details on this amazing system, but I have deadlines to work with and my source assured me I would have it by now, but I still don’t, and he said it was just taking a while because of some unexpected bugs in the mainframe or something, so I just have to wait, but I said I would get this article out back in February and this is literally the last day I can preempt the Nintendo Direct with my insider information, so I had to write it long enough beforehand so that it can go through quality control — you understand.

⁷ “Sent” is another strong word, my uncle keeps telling me. Not “scent”, because while a scent can be strong, the word itself isn’t inherently strong. You’d be looking for “stench”, I believe, though I guess I’m not the word police, and you can assume that “scent” carries the connotation of a strong smell if you so choose; I’m just words, so I can’t stop you. I also don’t think he means “cent”, but that should be more obvious. “Cents” are more hard than strong anyway, given that they’re made of metal, and I believe that hard makes more sense than strong in most relevant contexts. Don’t even ask me about “sense” because that isn’t even a homophone.

⁸ I am many things! A good writer, I am trying to make myself believe, as you should know if you’ve been reading the other footnotes, but also other things! I sometimes worry that I let myself be defined by too few details and fail to fill my life with a wide variety of activities and passions that make me more of a person, but if I’m satisfied with who I am, then I shouldn’t force myself into comparisons with other people where I’d feel like I come off as lacking. That all is a part of me, too, and even if it’s something I don’t super like about myself, it would be wrong to reject that as part of me. Another important part of me is that I’m the beloved niece to a super cool uncle who has so many awesome stories to tell about his workplace — but my lips are sealed on that subject because he’s stressed that it’s very, very important, Erin, to stop telling people where he works and that he’s their CFO (or, Chief Fun Officer) and that if I betray his trust again, he’ll delete all my save files. Another other important part of me is that I’m an Aries, and that makes me an aggressive Type A personality who takes no guff and can be super bull-headed and stubborn while also still being an adorable sheepgirl. Baa.

⁹ Not to be confused with “New” as, like, part of the title of the console. It’s not called the “New Nintendo Switch 2”, like how the New Nintendo 3DS and the New Nintendo 3DS XL have “New” as part of their names. That always confused me; like, do you really want that to be part of the name forever? The New Nintendo 3DS came out in Japan in 2014 before spreading out worldwide the next year. That’s, like, a decade ago, but it’s still “New”? How does that work? I mean, I liked the sort of confetti spreading out from the word “New” in the title, but they could have maybe used a different word with more staying power. Though, at the same time, I suppose “3DS” and “XL” are already pushing it on how many random letters and numbers you throw into a console’s name. Of course, that isn’t to say Nintendo isn’t working on a New Nintendo Switch 2 XL in a literal sense, but also, I wouldn’t be legally able to say that they are doing so even if I knew they were doing that, which I don’t. At the same time, however, if they were doing it and I knew, I definitely would have told whoever I could that it was a stupid idea because the Nintendo Switch 2 is already bigger than the Switch 1 — which isn’t the technical title, but what else am I supposed to say, the NSX? I don’t drive sports cars; get out of here — and it doesn’t need to be even bigger; your consumers have televisions for that.

¹⁰ Not the same Nintendo as in footnote 5. This is a more wide-reaching Nintendo overall.

¹¹ Which is such a weird name for a console? Like, why are you just adding a number to the end of it? Is this a sequel? It’s not even a pun like the 3DS was. I was super duper confused when the Wii U was announced because I thought it was a peripheral for the Wii and that was a letter, not a number. Of course, that was also because I was still a kid and also, also because the first few ads I saw were confusing, but still, it’s an odd choice. I only mean that it’s weird to not put any more creativity in the naming conventions, you know? Like, thinking about it down the road, I can see myself getting very confused about the differences between a Nintendo Switch 4 and a Nintendo Switch 5, let alone a Nintendo Switch 10. Of course, if Sony can get away with that for the PlayStations, I guess Nintendo should be able to 2, too. Whatever, whatever: I’m excited to try out the console. I hope it has a remake of Pokémon Channel.

¹² As in good! You know, like in that one famous movie! The Wizard! From 1989? With Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis and Christian Slater? “I love the Power Glove — it’s so bad!”? Said by Jackey Vinson’s character? The famous line that all the youngsters on the internet quote? I don’t remember the context, but it’s so bad, so it has to be good! I can be hip with the times too, I’m still young! I don’t even remember anything important that happened, like, 20 years ago! Well, except for the landmark release of the super-popular film The Wizard in 1989, of course. Not that it was released 20 years ago, that would be ridiculous. It was, like… 45 years ago, right? Wait, no, it’s ‘89, which is basically 90, so, like, 35? Not that I’m 35, because I’m not 35; that’s just so much older, and I can’t even imagine what it’d be like to be 35. Just such a different perspective, really.

¹³ As in “has” or “possesses”! I know “got” can be a bit generic because my handy dandy brain keeps telling me I should replace “got” with a more specific synonym because that’s, like, better writing. However, at the same time, sometimes, “got” feels right to write in the moment, but I suppose that’s just because of how I talk and think. In any situation, I’d like to reiterate that this has not yet happened at time of writing. Well, that’s not quite right either really, because the system, the Nintendo Switch 2, does indeed have the listed games as available launch titles, but they will only become available upon the release of the system, the Nintendo Switch 2. Is it right to say that something that isn’t yet publicly available has other things that also aren’t publicly available? I don’t know. This is weird. Do you know?

¹⁴ I’m really excited to get to this one! I never played the first Red Steel, but I loved Red Steel 2 with all the shooting and the slashing and the Wild Westing. I particularly loved how it implemented the Wii MotionPlus, making it really feel like I was using the weapons on screen! I know The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword also did that, alongside several other titles that I haven’t played, but Red Steel 2 felt like it had such a refined implementation of the feature. In any case, I assume Red Steel 3 will play even better on the Nintendo Switch 2. I know there really aren’t any advancements in motion technology from the Switch 1, but this is going to be my new favourite Ubisoft game; I just know it! My very special friend and secret informant sent me a picture of the cover art, and it looks so cool! You get to be a cowgirl with a cool hat and everything! She even has this sick-looking scarf! There’s also a UFO stealing a cow in the background, so I think the plot might have something to do with fighting aliens? Though maybe you play as an alien cowgirl? I’m unclear currently and my friend isn’t returning my texts at the moment, so I can’t confirm at this time.

¹⁵ I’m not entirely sure why the next Super Monkey Ball game has decided to scrap the monkeys in favour of gorillas, but I’m not complaining! It’s an exciting new direction for the franchise, even though it looks like some of the monkeys from the prior games are back? I mean, the box art has a bunch of gorillas jumping around in balls, but they’re also holding up a ball that seems to have an older version of Baby inside? I don’t see anyone else I recognise, so I can’t say they’re here for certain, but older Baby definitely is.

¹⁶ But, like, see? There are still monkeys. They’re in the title. I think this is just a marketing stunt. I bet they’ll reveal on release that you don’t get to play as any of the gorillas, but instead, you get to play as an awesome cyborg teenager version of Baby with a huge sword and you have to fight the gorillas who’ve stolen all the balls.

¹⁷ That is a pretty funny title though, I have to admit. A bit juvenile, but sometimes the best things in life are. Makes sense if Baby is the secret protagonist. But hey, that’s just a theory! A title-centric theory based around limited information.

¹⁸ “New” is a bit of a stretch. I don’t mean to spoil this for you, but this is a port, as discussed in footnote 21! Maybe a remaster? I’m not entirely sure, but the box doesn’t say it’s a remaster, so I assume it’s going for “faithful port”. Although, this is indeed a new release, and the fact that it’s on the Switch means that it’s a genuine new title, right? I mean, people keep selling loads of old games for full price these days without many upgrades, so why not call this one new too?

¹⁹ The question of what a given favourite is is actually quite tough to nail down. Like, I used to pretty solidly say that my favourite game was Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door for the Nintendo GameCube, but over time, I came to experience and fall in love with the original Mass Effect for the Xbox 360 to the extent that I just couldn’t say my childhood favourite was actually still my all-time favourite. Since then, I’ve experienced several games that I probably enjoyed more than either title, but they’ve still been so important to me that I’ve found it hard to say other things are my favourite, even when they should rightly be. I’ve come to accept that maybe these two are just some of my favourites even if they hold special places in my heart. Furthermore, I had come to the understanding that maybe you don’t need to have a firm favourite, and you’re allowed to have a rough list of the works you like most or that mean the most to you — not everything needs to be ranked.

As of today, however, I know that to be false and the game I’m about to bring up blows everything I’ve ever experienced out of the water to a degree that I don’t even really think about all that older crap I used to think was so good.

²⁰ As in “something you do for the sake of enjoyment, featuring an element of interactivity.” It’s important to be clear and direct in how you’re using words!

²¹ Yeah, I feel kinda bad for spoiling this earlier in footnote 18… Still, the show — or rather, footnote — must go on! A “port” is sort of like you take a game on one platform and then you adapt — or “port” — it to work on another platform! This can involve many details, such as including achievements where there weren’t before (which doesn’t matter here because Nintendo hates achievements; the CFO said so), changing the glyphs (or buttons, I guess), making the game work around platform-specific bugs or concerns, and even sometimes taking advantage of unique features, like the Nintendo Switch 2’s motion controls, which have been added to this title! It’s actually really cool, you guys, you can, like, swish the controllers around to speed up or reverse time! In a manner of speaking, anyways.

²²Shrek. Directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson, performances by Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, John Lithgow, and Conrad Vernon, DreamWorks Pictures, 2001.

²³ See footnote 1.

²⁴ Mostly, anyways. There is an option to use a new aspect ratio that better fits the Nintendo Switch 2’s shape, but it still maintains the look of the original title. Also, the default is to keep the original GBA aspect ratio! Oh shoot, I should say what “maintains” means. It means “to keep the same”, as in it takes a thing and, while in the process of keeping that thing safe or, in this case, moving it from one medium to another, it keeps the main details the same as they were beforehand.

²⁵ Mmm, mmm, mmm! Gotta love that 240x160 resolution, baby! Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me; I ain’t the sharpest tool in the she-ed. She was looking kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead; well: the years start coming and they don’t stop coming — fed to the rules and I hit the ground running! Didn’t make sense not to live for fun; your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see! What’s so wrong with taking the back street? Ahh, the best way to experience 2001’s Shrek. Hey now, you’re an all-star; get your GBA Video on: go play! Hey now, you’re a rockstar; get the show on, get paid! And all that glitters is gold — only shooting sta-ars break the mo-o-old.

²⁶ As in the display resolution, which is the stuff you see when you look at screens, I think. I don’t need to know what exactly it is to talk about it confidently. My uncle said you would all understand what I meant when I asked him if this made sense. I mean, he didn’t say that. It was more like yelling? I mean, I get it, I had to ask him roughly four times before he gave me his response, so I understand maybe feeling a bit miffed, but he didn’t have to be so rude about it.

In addition, you may find some of the details in footnotes 23, 24, and 25 more enlightening on other aspects of what I mean when I discuss GBA resolutions. If you were, however, wondering if I was discussing GBA “resolutions” in the sense of promises to yourself to play more or fewer GBA titles, then no, I am not using the term in that sense and I think it’s a bit silly to expect me to have to tell you that.

²⁷ As in “cannot”.

Quick sidebar here: why the heck is “cannot” one word? Why isn’t it “can not”? I mean, “does not” is two words that combine into one with “doesn’t”! “Will not” becomes “won’t” through arcane rituals! It’s the same with “could not” and “couldn’t”! What makes “cannot” and “can’t” so special? We already use the words “can” and “not” in our language in ways that would be consistent with what we use “can’t” and “cannot” to mean! It’s redundant to make “cannot” a separate word. I had a professor once who told the class that it was bad to write essays and papers that use conjunctions and that we would be marked down for using them in her class. I didn’t want to use “cannot” because it’s a stupid goddarned word, but it was either I avoid any and all instances I would normally use “can’t” or I eat the points I was losing, so I gave in. Even so, I’ve always held a bit of a grudge against that philosophy. Regardless, I do also think it’s silly to split “can’t” into “cannot” because I could’ve sworn that conjunctions were necessarily made up of several words, not just one slightly longer word. Heck, you probably thought it was weird that I said “split ‘can’t’ into ‘cannot’”, because how can you split one thing into another single thing? That’s not how those words work!

In any case, “can’t” is technically inaccurate here because I can very much wait. I’m pretty good at being patient. I was only using “can’t” here because saying “I can’t wait” is what you say when you want to express that you’re excited for something in the future. It wasn’t meant literally.

²⁸ The wait isn’t actually going to be too long now! I guarantee! I heard from my un… from my secret source who works at Nintendo that the Nintendo Switch 2 is slated for a 15th of March release date! Apparently, it’s to coincide with the Ides of March because another one of the launch titles, Brutus Uncut, is an adaptation of the classic Shakespearean play Julius Caesar, where bad things happen to Caesar on the Ides of March, which is the 15th, or roughly the middle day of the month! I never understood why they were the Ides, plural, if it was just a single day, but maybe the Ides are, like, hours or minutes that make up that day? In any case, I can’t say much about Brutus Uncut because I signed an NDA, but it’s pretty cool! You get to experience the events of the play from a certain character’s perspective the whole way through — but I won’t say who!

²⁹ You might be thinking that I’m going to say something like, “well, um, actually, not literally all of you”, but no! I do, in fact, mean every single one of you fine readers. No joke. I just want to reiterate that. You are going to play the Nintendo Switch 2 — I already ordered one for you using my uncle’s credit card. Don’t ask how I know your address; you don’t want to know. Trust me.

³⁰ By “see”, I mean “play”. It would be easier if I meant “see” literally, because then I could just put a picture of my very real Nintendo Switch 2 at the end here and then you would inherently have to see it to be included in that “all” category, but no, I meant “play”, not “see”. Now, theoretically, I could have tried “try” instead of “see”, which would have been more appropriate than “play”, as “play” would sound like an odd turn of phrase in this instance, whereas “try” would be more easily recognisable as a thing a human would say in this instance. However, I still believe that “see” works better here. You see, “try” implies that you might not like the Nintendo Switch 2, which is objectively false. Hence, “play” is better to use here than “try”, and, since “play” would be an odd word for this phrase, “see” is better than “play”. Ipso facto, “see” is betterer than “try”!

³¹ This sentence intentionally omits the subject “I” for the sake of maintaining a casual vernacular. But you knew that. If you claim otherwise, I will have to assume you are being deliberately obtuse.

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