Priest Simulator: Vampire Show Review

In 2023, I had the fun time while playing the Early Access of Priest Simulator: Vampire Show (of which you can read my thoughts at the time here). Admittedly, back then, I only referred to it as Priest Simulator. And, I can’t lie: I loved it then, so when I saw that Asmodev had unleashed it in full, well, I had to play it.

So, let me explain — Priest Simulator: Vampire Show follows Orlok, a vampire who was summoned to a Polish village where he loses his powers after being exorcised by the priest/con artist, Torpedo (a sock-puppet gentleman who I absolutely adore). There, the village is divided into two factions: Christianists and Shatanists. It’s also presented in a Mockumentary format, with tongue-in-cheek humour from Asmodev in their comments in the right-hand corner during cutscenes about each character who they’re focusing on.

Now, I have to admit, after going through the whole story in Early Access, I haven’t really played it since then. So, it was nice to go back to the beginning, even more so since I could play through the whole game on Steam Deck. However, I’ll go back to my laptop to have a go at Asmodev’s Priest Simulator: Her Ghost DLC… But, that’s a future problem for now.

Orlok is a minor celebrity on the Infernet, and in order to get his powers back, he ends up being convinced by Torpedo to work for him. Like in the Early Access, he has to clean up the church, the village, and turn all crucifixes the right way up again. He has some powers, and these can be used with the Right and Left Triggers. Since it’s first person, you’re playing directly from Orlok’s point of view, and I get why he wants his powers back. Right at the beginning, Orlok has to fight a guy. When I first played it, I did struggle, but now I think it’s just because I wasn’t too accustomed to the first-person perspective. This time, I only died once. You basically have to shoot attacks at your enemy and then run whenever it attacks the arena with a burning inferno of flames.

Then, those long-distance attacks are taken away. But don’t worry, because Orlok loves finding random crap lying about. To upgrade weapons, you need Black Metal, which are cassette tapes lying around the village. Of course, you can also use these weapons against Shatanists who attack you, but you don’t have to fight alone. Orlok can recruit Christianists to fight with him and follow him around, and you can convert more of them by doing Confessions at the Church, which you can upgrade by cleaning up the village. Now, the Confessions are essentially quick time events where you have to find the right answer that fits the Confession. It’s easy enough to do, and if you get a good score, you get more people to die for you—— I mean… fight for you.

Now, the combat is easily done, especially when you’re used to what techniques you have at your disposal. For example, Orlok unlocks a Telekinetic Glove that allows him to move objects and hurl them at enemies. This is the only way to beat Hoho, so I have to admit that this would be incredibly difficult with a mouse and keyboard if you’re unfamiliar with it. For context, that’s how I first fought him back in the Early Access days, and let me tell you — it was hell.

The best thing to do in combat is keep moving, and the good news is that there are a lot of long-range weapons at your disposal. But I think one of my favourite things was how the driving has drastically improved since Early Access. Back then, I have to admit I got a little motion sick just driving around in the game. It wasn’t fun, but since then, it seems a lot easier to change the camera. Plus, the radio has some pretty neat rock music. So, travelling around the map is a lot simpler with that there. However, it’s still difficult not to prefer walking, as the car isn’t exactly that much faster than Orlok.

There are some downsides to Priest Simulator: Vampire Show. When it comes to the sandbox element, it doesn’t really offer much. You have a few sidequests, involving Exorcisms, cleaning graffiti, finding the Church’s codices, and putting all the crucifixes the right way up. It’s not massively exciting, so the sandbox element isn’t one that I can get behind. Another issue is that there are some bits of dialogue in the subtitles that don’t line up with what’s being said and some lines that are omitted from the subtitles altogether. Then there’s the gambling, which gets repetitive once it's forcibly included in the main quest. That, and the fact that you can increase your stats through supplements, and by simply doing confessions, means you just need to grind a little bit to get enough to increase your Splendor to improve your stats and get more money (PLN) to buy said supplements.

In terms of character, Orlok can get a little bit annoying at times, but that’s kind of what you expect from a vampire-turned-priest. The designs themselves are charming, and I really liked how they all looked like wooden dolls. It adds a surrealist element that takes it out of reality, which is why it does get jarring when Asmodev inserts jokes based on our reality. But, altogether, it’s not a bad game. The plot makes for a fun time, having a surprisingly emotional turn, and I can’t say that it doesn’t have some insane plot twists. However, I do admit that it does drag in the latter part of Priest Simulator: Vampire Show. There are moments where you need to basically gamble, which involves spending 500 PLN in the casino, but the slot machines are only 10 each. So, it does get repetitive, and when I had to win the Keno raffle? Well, that was more frustrating, as it was about getting numbers, but they’re randomised.

By all accounts, Priest Simulator: Vampire Show does have some technical flaws, but they’re not too detrimental to the gaming experience. There are just a few technical aspects that I feel could have been polished before launch. For example, I suffered a small glitch after my first Exorcism, when I was stuck in the porch and had to do the Exorcism again to progress to the next part. In addition, there are also moments where the sound doesn’t quite match the volume of other parts of the game and where there’s a lot of lag. For example, when I went to the casino to confront Diabolina, the entrance and upstairs were incredibly laggy, and the frame rate dropped significantly.

If you do want to give Priest Simulator: Vampire Show a go, then by all means, do so. However, if you just want to try out the DLC, I should give a little warning: some users have found their Early Access save has vanished with the fully released version, and unfortunately, I was one of them. So, you’ll have to beat the whole game again to get access to the additional content in the Priest Simulator: Vampire Show: Her Ghost DLC.

Overall, Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is a pretty enjoyable, blasphemous experience, full of ridiculous hijinks and a surprising amount of character development. While it’s not an especially long game, it’s one that you might find yourself coming back to, even if it’s just to complete all the Exorcisms.